This is part 1 of my series of reflections and tips on "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and how I've been able to apply the principles and change your habits.
That's why I am sharing this with you first off the 3 fundemental techniques in handling people, in the hopes you will get some value.
The format moving forward will be a summary of the principle, followed by reflecting on the old (false) way of being, and the new (true) way with some steps you can apply.
Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Before meditation, I was full of social anxiety and it was so difficult to deal with people, because I felt so trapped inside my mind - imaging unrealistic scenarios and creating even more anxiety before anything even happened!
Now I can deal with people with ease and I'm able to add these principles and grow from them, so let's get right into it!
Principle 1: Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain
B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. - B.F. Skinner
It's actually a scientific fact - you'll never get what you're after from people with criticisms and complaints.
Dale Carnegie gives examples of people who used to be critical and complained, but changed their way of being and had more success with people.
My favourite example was Abraham Lincoln who criticized many people, many times even publicly.
The breaking point for Lincoln was when he had offended someone so deeply that he was challenged to a dual to the death.
Fortunately, at the last minute the dual was called off by their spouses, but it was enough to spark Lincoln into lasting change, and he would never publicly criticize people from then on.
In fact, the most touching of his quotes I found was during the civil war, when others spoke harshly of southern people he would say:
"Don't criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances." - Abraham Lincoln
What profound awareness!
The old (false) way
When I was in primary school, there was a girl I liked for many years, but she always had other boyfriends.
I always hoped 1 day she'd picked me, and late into year 7 she told me why she never chose me: "it's because you're so critical and negative all the time" and it really shattered me.
This is just how I was.... My entire life.
My habits were like a wall in my mind I could never penetrate, no matter how hard I tried.
The new (true) way
This principle has been especially bittersweet to put into practice because I suffered with so much self loathing for how I was.
Now, with a clean mind, and with a warm and sincere heart, I can give praise more openly and instead choose to focus on a person's good qualities rather than seeing through the veil of negativity.
I prefer this way of connecting with people :)
It leaves them feeling good, and it leaves me feeling good.
My relationships are continuously improving because of it and I've come to really appreciate and love people on a much deeper level.
Steps I took to change habits:
Throw away critcisms, condemnations and complains from my mind - this permeated my life so much it took some time, but every minute was worth it
Find the true mind - because the true mind is within all of us, connecting with people from here is naturally easy and we each get something from it
Find ways to see the positives, rather than the negatives - denying this mental habit in action by not letting the shit come out of mouth :D
Be mindful of old habits and keep clearing them - acknowledge them, accept them, then keep throwng them away until they're gone (rinse and repeat!)
Consistency is the key - no matter what, never give up, and just keep consistently moving forward!
Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise" - Charles M Schwab
Charles M Schwab led an American steel manufacturer to become one of the most notable companies in USA at the time.
It was this mindset which quickly propelled him up the ranks in his career.
The hidden logic is the energy behind the words - it has to be said with sincerity.
People know when it's fake! They can feel it.
People also know when you try to ask them "nicely", but the words are coming from a place of negativity - again, they can feel it.
The old (false) way
It reminds me of my experience with trying to get people to do things I want them to do - like helping me boost the blog of the meditation centre I am running.
No matter how hard I tried, I kept asking with a neediness, and a sense of negativity towards people for not doing it - and over time less and less people helped, and it just made me more and more frustrated.
The problem was my mind!
I was always someone who would read a book, feel extremely happy that there was a different way I could live, and get high on the idea of change, but I was never be able to change.
The new (true) way
The mind can produce a false, self-centred energy, or a true, giving and universal energy with no self whatsoever.
It's so black and white once you "see" it,
The meditation I practice, teacher Woo Myung says of love:
"Talk about their strengths, not about their weaknesses or wrongdoings. Embrace what others say and do. If you treat others with the big mind of Truth, which is absent of mind, they will always like you. Therefore, you should throw away your false mind and find the true mind." - Woo Myung
This is about a way of life - a logic of dealing with people.
People try to understand and define all different kinds of human interaction, but it's very simple and logical - your false mind (human mind) is the negative mind like a preprogrammed robot, and the mind of Truth is your true mind and the mind of the universe.
Anything done with the true mind is the giving mind and is infinitely attractive.
Steps I took to change habits:
Throw away the false mind - reflect on my negativity and judgements and clean it from my mind
Find the true mind - it is there within and has these qualities naturally, but they need to be developed consciously sometimes
Show sincere appreciation and gratitude at every opportunity - telling people how I feel from the heart and having rituals for gratitude like a journal
Complement and priase as much as possible - it's so nice to do it! And everyone feels good :)
Be mindful of old habits and keep clearing them - acknowledge them, accept them, then keep throwng them away until they're gone!
Consistency - no new habit can be forged without consistency and the evidence is there
Principle 3: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
"If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." - Henry Ford
He had the humility to be able to see from another's point of view.
He never wasted any time talking about his problems - people don't care!
The art is in the deliverance and with how much you can connect with the other person, in a truly heart to heart way by understanding what motivates them.
The old (false) way
If we all just did what we wanted the world would be in utter chaos, and in fact, this is largely why it is - people only want what's best for them.
I'm no different. So often when I ask people I do it from my point of view, from the difficulties I have with them not following.
But I can barely think of a single time this has worked.
The fact is, I am only trying to help, and I know it will help them, but because I say it with negativity in my mind, that's how it's being received.
The new (true) way
As a helper, my role is to try and help people with meditation and try and motivate them to want to do it.
Because I sincerely want to help them, I also sincerely want to get to know them, and it's such a beautiful way to live.
I want to know what drives them so I can find ways to get behind them and push them towards the end goal of this meditation.
Steps I took to change habits:
Throw away the neediness and negative mind - are you starting to see a pattern here? It's very simple!
Empathize and connect with their heart - I really need to know who they are and what motivates people to appeal to them
Trial and error - this is under development, because there's millions of types of minds and knowing how to appeal to them works differently for everyone
Ask the universe for help - this only truly works if your false mind is thoroughly cleaned away and then you can ask the universe and the guidance comes in nature's flow
Conclusion:
Everything, truly, can be summarized by teacher Woo Myung in the passage "How to Make People Like You":
"People like others with big minds and who do not impose their will on others and are able to accept others. If you want to be liked, you need to have a big mind. Always be humble and sincere; when you have these minds, others will like you. Compliment others, then, they will like you. Your sincere mind remains when you eliminate your false mind. When you become that sincere mind, others will like you." - Woo Myung
I can't find a flaw in the writing, and now that I've re-read Dale Carnegie's masterpiece, I can see that the passage above is a true distillation of the principles outlined in his book into its truest form.
So what about you?
How will you start to change your negative ways and find ways to appreciate, complement and praise people sincerely? Is it something you struggle with?
If you keep repeating the same negative habits automatically, don't waste your time with self-loathing and feeling like you're eternally trapped!
Why not do something you've never tried before and meditate to start throwing away that self-centred, false mind?
It could change your life, and better yet, everyone's around you :)