This is part 2 of the series of reflections and tips on "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and in this part of the book, it covers 6 principles on how to make people like you.
I will discuss how I've been able to apply the principles and change my habits, and also diving into why I think it's important.
To give a contrast and help people who may be struggling with the things I used to struggle with, I lay things out by summarzing the principle and then reflecting on the old (false) way of being, and the new (true) way with some steps you can apply.
Part Two: How to Make People Like You
Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, everyone wants to be liked by people. Humans are social creatures and a lot of what we do is governed by attaining recognition from people around us.
Whether it's strangers, friends, family, or partners - we all want to be liked. Dale Carnegie outlines 6 principles to make people like you:
Principle 1: Become Genuinely Interested in People
My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite. She had never seen one and he described it to her fully. Sometime later, the telephone at our cottage rang. My wife answered it aand it was Mr. Roosevelt himself. He had called her, he said, to tell her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she would loo out sshe might see it. Little things like that were so characterestic of him - James E. Amos from Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet
People love talking about themselves. It's just the way that it is by virtue of the fact we are all living according to our own self centred little mind worlds.
The best conversations you've had with others is probably where you've felt the other person was really engaged with and interested in you.
People do express a genuine interest in the other person, but usually that's when it has some self serving motive - learning more about what I want to learn about for example.
But either way, isn't it a nice feeling to be able to connect with a person on shared, mutual grounds? So doing it sincerely is a way of truly connecting.
The old (false) way
I had a lot of social anxiety in the past, so this compounded how shy I was and how afraid I was to talk to people.
I also had the attitude that people are self centred and only want to talk about themselves, and they're not truly interested in me, so why bother engaging?
But I can tell you, this didn't win me a single friend.
The new (true) way
My meditation teacher taught me that you have to give in order to recieve.
These days, I've found it easy to carry on a conversation just by continuously asking the person about themselves, and people love this. I try not to follow any discomfort in my own mind and just engage with the person.
It's so much easier to be genuinely interested when I'm not stuck in my own thoughts and it's a nice way to be.
I've had to put in a lot of work to clear away the types of judgements I had against people and just accept the fact that I, too, am as self centred as everyone else and it's OK because it's just human nature.
Principle 2: Smile (From the Heart)
A smile is contagious! Who doesn't like a smile from someone, especially when it's given with a warm and sincere heart?
That's why you should always smile, not just for yourself, but to warm the heart of another :)
The old (false) way
I always found it hard to smile because I was so negative and miserable inside my mind. \
It's not to say I'm perfect now. In fact, people still regularly pick me up on it, but I think it's much more noticeable now because I spend so much of my time being naturally positive and smiling
The new (true) way
Nothing beats a smile from the heart.
And it feels really wonderful to make the other person happy, and feel their own warmth in a returned smile.
I like this attitude of giving rather than taking and it's getting easier and easier to do.
Principle 3: Remember Someones Name and Say it Often
Be honest, how much do you hate it when someone forgets your name or spells it wrong?
Hearing our own name is one of the most pleasing sounds to us, in any language.
The old (false) way
Once again, it all comes down to the fact I was so negative on myself and so stuck in my own thoughts, it was so easy to forget peoples names because I couldn't see past my self.
I also had a habit of telling myself "oh I'm not good with names", but I realized this was just what I was programming myself to believe!
The new (true) way
I make a conscious effort to try and remember everyone's names, Often I repeat it a few times to them out loud so I don't forget, then I say it in my mind to cement it in there.
This is because these days I'm much more conscious about how the other person feels rather than how I feel, and I want to make them feel special and important by knowing who they actually are.
Principle 4: Be A Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
When people think you're dying they really listen to you instead of waiting for their turn to speak - Fight Club
This is one of my favourite lines in any movie, and it's so bloody true!
The old (false) way
I was always someone who observed group conversation rather than engage in it, and 1 thing I noticed more than anything is no one was really listening, everyone was just waiting for their turn to talk!
This made me very negative towards others and not really care about engaging with them or talking with them because I knew they didn't really care about me either....
But this doesn't win you any friends, despite how true it may be.
The new (true) way
Now I really, really listen and I try my best to really make the other person feel comfortable.
As a helper, in a way I'm a counsellor too. I've had times where members would talk to me (or rather, at me), for 2+ hours! This is EXTREMELY draining, especially when you don't have any chance to get a single word in.
But, always at the end they'll say "wow, I really enjoyed that conversation" haha.
This is how people are, and this has been proven to me time and again.
Principle 5: Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests
If you know someones interests, then you know how to interest them! Carnegie gives some great examples of people like the former US president Theodore Roosevelt who would stay up late at night just trying to learn about his guest before meeting with them the following day.
That's a really admirable quality to have.
The old (false) way
Because I knew no one was interested in me, I deliberately took no interest in others.
Sometimes, this habit still rears its head up, but I just do my best to discard it from my mind and take an interest.
The new (true) way
I'm still working on this in all honesty, but I'm getting there more and more as I learn to engage with people rather than wollow in my own negativity.
Principle 6: Make the Other Person Feel Important - and do it Sincerely
Making another person feel important in a sincere way is how you can make people like you instantly.
I don't have to look far beyond myself to know this fact that when I'm the topic of discussion, I'm very interested (especially if it's about my good points)
This is also something our meditation teachers teach - treat others like a servant to a king.
The old (false) way
It's impossible to make anyone feel important when you can't see outside of your own mind.
Simple as that.
But when you have as much pride as I used to have, this was very difficult to humble myself in that way.
The new (true) way
I really have to try a lot here because my mind was so negative, I still have a tendency towards negativity because it's so deeply ingrained.
But I really try to focus on a person's good points and emphasize that and let them know how I feel about it and it really works wonders.
OK, So How to Change? (If You Are Like I Used To Be...)
Then you need to hurry up and clear your false, old, negative mind!
If you're so stuck in your mind, your anxieties, and your own negativities and perceptions about the world and yourself, you don't stand a chance in applying any of these principles.
Even now, I have difficulty applying them because the habits are so deeply ingrained into each and every cell. But I know I'm getting better as I keep clearing my mind. It gives me space to be able to change instead of being rooted to the past.
So the sooner you can acknowledge yourself as you are, and acknowledge you are living according to the script in your mind, the sooner you can take the action to change it.
Clear your mind, and positivity naturally radiates from your being!
Conclusion:
I want to finish with the same conclusion as the previous blog article because it still applies so perfectly.
"People like others with big minds and who do not impose their will on others and are able to accept others. If you want to be liked, you need to have a big mind. Always be humble and sincere; when you have these minds, others will like you. Compliment others, then, they will like you. Your sincere mind remains when you eliminate your false mind. When you become that sincere mind, others will like you." - Woo Myung
So what about you? Do any of these principles apply to you?