I realised today that the focus is wrong! I keep focusing on all the "bad things" and "bad habits" in myself instead of the good! This is the OPPOSITE of what the gratitude experiment is supposed to be about! I have been stuck in the shit, not seeing the good.
The fact is, those things are coming into my life because I have that thought / that vibration / that mind in me.... So it's coming into my world. But the objective of this experiment is to be able to let that go from my mind through meditation, and stay focused on the gratitude. To be grateful for EVERYTHING.
***I just went on a rant to myself but realised I was doing it again***
There was things I was listening to today which were making me get all choked up. One of them was about self love. I have hated myself my entire life. The only time I ever loved myself was when my false self disappeared and I became one with the Universe. There was only love. True love for myself and everything, because everything is me!
But I've lost that self love. I try to be kind to others and lift them up, but I get caught into beating myself up. So fuck that. I don't want to cherish the "bad qualities" but I'm going to embrace them and just keep focusing on the change, not the problem. Until then, I want to talk about the good things and where I've come.
How far have I come?
I volunteer 7 days a week. 50% of those days are 12 hour days. That's some hardcore shit right there! That's some Elon Musk shit right there. I am so proud of the fact that so much of my negative mind has been conquered that I'm able to do that, and so grateful that the Universe has blessed me with this "job" where I'm naturally devoted and in love with the task. So good on you Universe Steven - you've come a long way!
Sure, it's only been 4 months, and some of those days I maybe only did 1 hour, but screw it! I still did it. I've come a long way. On the days where I feel like crap, I still manage to end up doing SOMETHING! And that's a hell of a lot more than ever.
I exercise 5-6 days a week, no matter how I feel or how tired I am.
I always try to help people and listen to them and give them my whole heart and my whole mind, no matter how I feel. I'm always trying to serve.
My creativity is starting to flourish again and I'm in love with my creative side, and you know what? I'm pretty funny! I find myself laughing at the things I do, and other people are laughing too.
Thank you! Thank you Universe, for bringing this to my attention and for lovingly giving me all that I can handle so I can grow and become just like you and help the world, with no thought of helping the world.